Yesterday

Tell me that you have never questioned life. Come on, tell me. I dare you to. And when you do, I dare myself to call you a liar. And I will.

Life could be symbolized in so many different ways. It is a roller coaster, going up and down chaotically and unexpectedly. It is a box, labeled fragile and when shaken, can break easily. It is a glass, either half full or half empty- depending on how you view it. It is a book, every page resembling a day and you are the author writing the story.

But what no one ever tells you is that it is a question mark. An unanswered, unexplained phenomenon that takes you on a journey of self-discovery and purpose. And once you have found that, the question mark diminishes gradually into one tiny dot called a period. And that is the answer.

Life is no longer a question mark for me. I feel secure in who I am, where I came from, and where I’m headed. And that- that is the phenomenon called life.

More often than not, we are selfish. It is only in our nature, as humans, that we are greedy and yet lazy. It seems that we are given more than we earn. And even then, we never express gratitude. It becomes a habit to expect generosity towards ourselves and give nothing in return. 

A simple “thanks” does not even suffice for the gratitude I have failed to give.

Mom- Thank you. For giving me life. For always listening to me drone on and on. For being on my side all the time. For taking care of me when I am ill. For being proud of me and supporting me in all I do. For reading my work and commenting on what you think. For cooking my dinner. For simply being there for me. You are my best friend.

Dad- Thank you. For being as stubborn as I am. For cracking jokes. For being here when you can be. At least you try, and I don’t acknowledge it as much as I should. I am so proud to call you my dad.

Mammy- For being my special play-mater. For spoiling me unconditionally, not only with gifts, but with love. For knowing me inside out. For tickling me to sleep. For showing me the meaning of patriotism. For your loss, which allows me the opportunity to bond with my other grandma and my mom more than I ever would have if you were still alive. For your spirited soul and contagious humor. You are dearly missed.

Saray Rose Letner- Thank you. For being my best friend. For never leaving me. For being my inspiration. For loving me even though I don’t deserve it. For sharing your stories and listening to mine. For teaching me that life is an exploration, and we must discover all we can. For laying on the grass with me, watching the clouds. For making me smile when all I want to do is cry. For threatening those who would tease or hurt me. For believing in me, even when I don’t. You are an angel.

Teresita Duran-Servin, “Huliet”- Thank you. For being my friend, even though you already have so many. For contributing to my weird, abnormal personality. For laughing not only with me, but at me. For sharing the same academic standards. For making me laugh uncontrollably. I will never forget you, no matter what separate paths we take in life.

Cortnee Lewis- Thank you. For being the big sister I never had. For your willingness to listen and care. For your advice. For your sassy personality and sarcastic humor. For loving me for who I am, even though I know I can be an embarrassment. For your most wonderful embraces. For bringing a fan to EFY- I know it’s silly, but I worshipped that fan. For being no more than your amazing self. I love you.

Elias Leers- Thank you. For being a great friend. For putting up with my indecisiveness. For trying your best to be in my good graces, though I never deserved it. For taking me to prom, which I never thought I’d be asked to in a million years. For tolerating me- all my flaws and blemishes. For helping me discover who I am. If anyone earned a gold medal, it is you. 22.

Chad Palmer- Thank you. For teaching me that life takes unexpected turns and then pushes you off a cliff. For being my friend when I needed you to be. For being the first guy that made me feel… real. For having the decency to admit your mistake and for not giving in. You were my life lesson this year.

So many more… but for now, this is what comes to mind. Thank you. :)

Start off with the typical, are you single? I’m not so sure anymore.

Kiss on the neck or kiss on the cheek? Um, I don’t know.

Without saying names, say something to three different people: 
I’m sorry that you’re hurting. But you’re a jerk. You come to me only when you feel like it, when I wish you would come to me simply because you wanted to.

Seriously… retire.

I wish I could be yours with ease. But all these doubts and fears filter through my mind and make me hesitant towards jumping in. And what I really want is for you to want me badly enough to fight for it- to force me to feel like I’m yours.

Would you rather be able to not talk for a week or not hear for a week? Not talk. 

Are you one of those people who hate crying in front of others? It doesn’t matter. I’m a blubber baby naturally… Why hide that? 

Do you want to get your hair cut? Yes, and I just did and I love it!

The last person you kissed calls you, what do they want? Acceptance.

Would you consider yourself to be a good cook? Haha… no, not at all. In fact, I am a horrid cook. The kitchen will be my grave.

What catches your eye more? Eyes or smile? It depends on the moment. If I’m just looking at them in general- the eyes capture a soul. And if we’re laughing together, I can’t help but find their smile contagious. 

Would you ever get a tattoo? No, I don’t want one.

Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow? Unfortunately, no.

What is the last thing you did before bed last night? Texted a guy who is “in like” with me.

Who were you last on the phone with? The same guy.

Where did you kiss the last person you kissed? Never been kissed. :)

Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else? No.

Do you straighten your hair before bed? I’ve never straightened my hair. It’s naturally pin straight and I despise it.

Where is the shirt you are wearing from? I’m actually wearing a blue and white plaid dress that ties in a bow at the torso. I got it from Target, if you must know.

What’s worse, having someone mad or disappointed in you? Disappointed. I can deal with someone being angry at me… But I hate feeling like an absolute failure.

Have you ever gotten up early the next morning to do homework or study?
All the time.

Are you comfortable with your height? Though I pretend not to like it, I love being short.

Do you wish someone would call you right now? Sort of.

Do you talk about your feelings or hide them? I am a bottle. I store everything in it and seal the cap. I’m not good at opening up, in fear that I might explode.

What’s your favorite season? Autumn. The changing of the hues of the leaves and the crisp air lingering around you is enchanting.

Is there anyone you wish to fix things with? Yeah… him.

Anything bothering you right now? There is one thing that constantly nags at the back of my mind, but I tend to ignore it.

The person you fell hardest for, texts you at 4 am saying “come outside”?
Don’t question it. Be spontaneous. Run outside to him as fast as you can.

Do you believe teenagers can be in love and stay in love? It all depends on a number of uncertainties.

Can you recall the last time you really liked someone? No.

Who has seen you cry more then anyone? My bedroom walls.

As of this minute, what is going through your mind? Thoughts upon endless thoughts too numerous to record.

Have you ever kissed a brown eyed person? No.

Was your last kiss drunk or sober? I don’t drink and I’ve never been kissed.

Will you talk to someone on the phone tonight? Perhaps.

Ever have a feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?
All the time.

How many months until your birthday? Ten months.

Have you ever regretted kissing someone? I don’t know yet.

Who’s the last person you were in a car with? My mom and brother, on our way home from church.

This past summer, did you have a “thing” with someone? No.

Do you like hugs? Immensely so.

Love cannot be defined. Love has a different definition to everyone. Whether it be a careless summer fling or a heartfelt, romantic commitment. Love does not have a price tag, yet it can cost. Love is full of laughter, yet it can create tears. Love is beautiful, yet it can turn ugly. Love is sweet, yet it can be bitter. Love is the test against time and difference and opposition. Love is what you make it. Love just simply is that… love.